Time after time

I can’t believe that a year has passed since Jasper left this world.

I saw a friend post a message today saying her four-year old dog had passed away from cancer, and all the emotions came flooding back. My heart really goes out to her and her family tonight.

I still think of Jasper quite a bit since there are reminders everywhere I go – seeing his purple toy in the basement, driving by the Minnehaha dog park, finding one of his old blankets tucked away in a drawer…

It all seems so strange still.

So, one year on, what am I surprised by? This is going to sound strange, but I’m surprised (and happy) I survived.

Jasper’s death came at the end of a really rough three years where I lost my mom and both my remaining grandparents.

If anything, I learned I can take the full frontal blow of adversity and come out standing on the other side. Sure, I have my days, but don’t we all?

I’ve also learned to really enjoy the little moments in life like taking Zooey for a walk in the woods, playing board games with my nephews or sitting quietly reading at night.

Jasper taught me so many things in the nine years he was with us. As I wrote before, for most of my life I was terrified of dogs. Jasper erased that fear and taught me to love all animals more than I thought was possible. He also taught me that sometimes best friends have four legs, a tail and a wet nose.

Over the past few months I’ve tried to go back and read a few of the entries here, but I’m not quite ready for that yet. I’m a little embarrassed by how raw the writing was, but more than that the rush of emotions and memories is still so strong.

I want to close what will probably be the last entry on this blog by saying a few things.

To V and Zooey – thank you. We went through this together, V, so you know just how tough this was. Zooey, you were always, and still are, the light of our life.

To everyone who read and commented on this blog – thank you, too! If you’re going through a similar situation now or in the future, trust that you will survive. And the memories do get happier with time.

To Jasper – I love you, buddy, and I still think of you every day. You were my best friend and the best dog any family could ever hope for. You had such a gentle soul. I loved every moment we spent together (even when you were a puppy trying your hardest to destroy the house). If there’s a heaven, then mine is a place where you and I can skip rocks and play in the water all day long.

Good-bye, dear J.

Mmm, peanut butter

I had a spoonful of peanut butter tonight and it made me think of you and smile, J.

Miss you.

The days in between

Think back to the really great days in your life. What comes to mind?

The moments that flash by for me include getting married, seeing U2 outdoors for the first time in Sweden, skiing at Big Sky and hiking with Jasper along the Mississippi River.

What about all the other days in between? Are we really living or just getting by?

I don’t know why, but I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

Photo: A perfect day in the mountains

It’s been almost two months since Jasper passed away, and I still think of him every day. Even when I wake up in the middle of the night, I think, “The house sure is quiet without Jasper here.”

I took my first walk in the woods alone today. I loved being outside breathing in the cool winter air, but I couldn’t help thinking how different it would have been if Jasper was there with me. It was strange looking down and not seeing him walking beside me.

Before sitting down to type tonight, I went back and re-read a few of my old posts. Wow, I feel a bit embarrassed because they were pretty raw and revealing. I’m thankful to have a record of Jasper and all that we experienced, though. I’m also thankful that new readers are continuing to visit this blog on a daily basis.

To those of you who are going through a similar experience, hang in there, be strong and lean on others if you need to. It’s hard to believe during the darkest days, but it does get better.

In some small way if this blog can help someone else out there, then it will have been a success.

p.s. Zooey is doing great and keeping us super busy! I mentioned this before, but for two Vizslas, she and J really are (were) opposites. Jasper slept at the foot of the bed, Zooey naps next to Veronika’s pillow. Jasper would only eat his food if we sat perfectly still. Zooey would keep eating if a marching band walked through the kitchen. She’s a sweet girl, though (even if she is kind of driving us crazy tonight)! 🙂

A Tribute to Jasper-Roo

Veronika and I never imagined a dog could mean so much to us, but Jasper was much more than “just a dog.” He was a part of our family, and he was my best friend.

I don’t know if and when I’ll post on here again, so I wanted to write a final tribute to our dear J. I have to admit I’ve been putting it off for several weeks. This blog became such a part of Jasper’s life, that I’m afraid when I stop writing we’ll lose another piece of him. Who knows, maybe the “The Adventures of Jumping Jasper-Roo” will become “The Adventures of Jumping Jasper-Roo and Zooey, too.” 🙂

But, I’m not going to worry about that now. Today’s entry is a celebration of Jasper’s life and all the things we loved and miss about him.

Thanks for sticking with us on this journey. Thanks for the kind words of love and support. And thanks for reading.

For Jasper’s tribute, we have included a collection of our favorite photos and jotted down some memories spanning the course of Jasper’s nine years with us.

Photo: Jasper’s first night at home, October 2001

We finally made it home after a long, stressful journey from Fargo with Jasper howling from his crate on the backseat for most of the way!

As you’ll see, even as he grew bigger and bigger, sitting on the couch with us was one of J’s favorite things to do!

Photo: Our first family portrait, Fall 2001

Photo: V and Jasper on the way to puppy class, Fall 2001

Being a shy dog, Jasper never really cared that much for the puppy socialization class. Most nights he’d just hide under the table while the other dogs played. Eventually, he came out of his shell and played with another puppy or two.

Photo: Jasper and “Panda” – his first favorite toy

Photo: Como Lake, Fall 2001

This was Jasper’s first trip to the lake; long before he learned to love water as much as peanut butter and mini carrots. I still really like this photo because he has such a “Jasper face” in a really small body.

Photo: J’s first Christmas, 2001

Jasper was always there with us for family gatherings. He was never content to just chill on the floor, though. He always tried to climb onto someone’s lap to see what was happening up in “people land.”

Photo: Jasper and Tomo, 2002

As I’ve said before, Jasper was the calmest Vizsla in town. Unless Tomo was around! The two of them would wrestle and bite and chase each other around the yard for hours on end. Tomo, an Akita, eventually grew four times as big as Jasper, but they were still best friends for a brief time during Jasper’s youth.

Photo: J with Jon, Jody and their dog Chip

This shot was taken on J’s first road trip – a five hour drive to see our friends in South Dakota. Chip was also a youngster at the time and the two of them wrestled around the basement most of the night. Needless to say, Jasper was totally spent for several days after the trip.

Photo: Jasper and Todd, 2002

This is one of my all-time favorite photos of J. As the years went by his hair turned whiter and whiter, but when this was taken he was a youngster with a gorgeous red coat.

Photo: A hot summer day, 2003

When J was younger we’d often go to meetings of the Twin Cities Vizsla Club. I remember this particular gathering was on an especially warm day. I love the expression on J’s face because he seems to be saying, “This is it? This crappy little pool is the best you can do?”

Photo: Everybody in the water, 2003

Jasper was an excellent swimmer, but the “yum-yum yellow” life jacket made it easier to lift him in and out of my parents’ boat.

Photo: Best friends, 2004

Zooey arrives! As I previously blogged, Zooey’s arrival in the spring of 2004 turned our tranquil abode into a mad house. Zooey was all-play, all-the-time. This was a rare moment of calm for both dogs.

Photo: Jasper, Zooey, Sebastian and mom at White Bear Lake, 2004

This is another one of my all-time favorite photos. My mom is really the one who taught me to love animals. She also loved our dogs just about as much as her grandkids!

As I mentioned before, due to a childhood incident there was a time when I was terrified of dogs. One of Jasper’s greatest gifts was to help me overcome that fear.

Photo: It’s only Rock n’ Roll, 2004

Since I’m a drummer, Jasper grew up in a rock and roll house. Veronika used to tell me that during our loudest jams in the basement, he’d be sound asleep on the couch. No wonder Jasper never minded thunderstorms or loud noises too much.

Photo: Nap time

Like most dogs, Jasper really enjoyed sleeping. After he was house-trained, we let him sleep outside his crate at night. I think we’d read something about how “dogs will find their own place to sleep in the house.” Jasper’s favorite spot was the living room couch.

Each morning he’d sneak into our bedroom like a little kid. If he had to go outside, he’d quietly walk over to my side of the bed and rest his chin two inches from my face until I woke up. Most mornings, though, he’d hop onto the foot of the bed and wiggle his way into a nice, comfy spot right between V and I.

If Veronika was traveling, Jasper would usually just skip the couch all together and sleep on the bed with me. Throughout the night, he’d get up and then crash down closer and closer to me. By morning he’d be all sprawled out and I’d be lying on the last sliver of the bed just about to fall over the edge!

Besides the couch and our bed, he particularly enjoyed sleeping outside in the sun. As soon as the temperature got comfortable enough in the spring, he would seek out a sunny spot in the back-yard for a nap. Throughout summer and fall, on sunny days, he could often be found sleeping on his side in the grass in the yard.

Oh, and Jasper was by far the loudest sleeper in the house. He could snore with the best of them. During his last night with us, I remember waking up several times and just listening to the sound of him sleeping.

Photo: Minnehaha Dog Park, Winter 2004

Remember how I said Jasper loved water? No, he REALLY loved water! So much so, that he’d hop in and go for a swim in the middle of winter. See that white stuff in the photo? That’s ice and snow!

Speaking of snow, J absolutely loved playing in it – and digging in the drifts!

Photo: Road Trip!

Lucky for us, both Jasper and Zooey loved riding in the car.

Photo: Wisconsin, Fall 2007

V and I and the dogs visited a lot of dog-friendly cabins over the years, but one of our favorites was a little B&B called Justin Trails outside Sparta, Wisconsin. The place has acre upon acre of fields, forests, hills and hiking trails. And a gorgeous little private cabin!

Photo: Hiking in Wisconsin, 2008

Photo: Exploring the north woods near Ely, Minnesota

Photo: Who’s walking who?

Jasper was great at a lot of things, but walking on leash wasn’t one of them! He never really figured out the whole “heel” thing. In this shot, my dad’s boat – and the water! – are a couple steps away, so we had a little extra motivation to get going.

Photo: Lake Superior, Spring 2010

Looking back at this photo, I remember this was a particularly bittersweet trip for us.

During the spring of 2010, J’s cancer was under control, but we still knew this was probably going to be one of our last trips together. Veronika and I and the dogs spent a wonderful weekend hiking and relaxing along the north shore of Lake Superior.

Photo: Minnehaha Dog Park, Summer 2010

Jasper just loved the dog park! After awhile, whenever he heard the words “dog park” he’d start bouncing around the house and barking.

“We’re going to the dog park! We’re going to the dog park!”

In an attempt to avoid the frenzy and barking, we soon switched over to calling it the DP. 🙂

Photo: Minnehaha Dog Park, Summer 2010

Jasper was the perfect friend for an introvert, and the Minnehaha Dog Park was our sanctuary. It became one of my favorite places in the world. So much so, that I’m not sure if I can ever go back there again.

Jasper, Veronika and I probably went to that dog park more than 500 times over the years. We loved the peaceful wooded trails, the long stretches of sandy beach and watching the seasons come and go.

When it was just Jasper and I, we’d walk down different paths and explore in silence. If there is a heaven, mine has a sandy beach where I can sit on the shore and watch Jasper swim until his heart’s content.

Photo: Making a new friend at the Minnehaha Dog Park, Summer 2010

Photo: Resting at home, Summer 2010 (photo by Sarah Beth Photography)

Vizslas are affectionately known as “velcro dogs” because they always want to be near you, and Jasper was no exception. He would always follow us around the house and whenever we sat down he wanted to be right there next to us.

One of his favorite things in the world was to sit with V or I on the living room couch and chew on his purple toy. Can’t tell you how many of those toys we went through over the years, but I have to say it’s one of our favorite memories and something we really miss.

Photo: Another perfect day in the backyard, Summer 2010 (photo by Sarah Beth Photography)

Vizslas are part of the sporting breed, so it’s no surprise that Jasper loved to chase after everything from tennis balls and sticks to rocks (thrown in the water) and snow balls (that disappeared in the snow!). The part about bringing it back, well, that’s another story.

Photo: Veronika and Jasper share a tender moment, Summer 2010 (photo by Sarah Beth Photography)

Photo: Happy Dog! (photo by Sarah Beth Photography)

Photo: Veronika, Todd and Jasper (photo by Sarah Beth Photography)

While the last year of Jasper’s life was extremely difficult, in some ways it was also our best year together because it was filled with moments of pure joy. He was so incredibly brave and strong throughout the whole ordeal. More so than I probably would have been. Throughout his life, Jasper brought such love and light into our world.

Photo: Jasper in a reflective moment (photo by Sarah Beth Photography)

Photo: Jasper on his last trip to the dog park, October 2, 2010

I didn’t realize until we had returned home and was flipping through the photos on the camera, that Veronika had taken this shot.

This image really means the world to me.

The photo was taken on Jasper’s last trip to the Minnehaha Dog Park the day before he passed away.

J and I walked these trails so many times over the years. No matter how many times we went, though, I always loved visiting this dog park because of the sheer joy that it brought Jasper. I was never more at peace than when we were off exploring the Minnehaha Dog Park together.

Moments like this are the ones that I’ll remember forever.

Jasper, to us, you were truly the best dog in the world. You had such a gentle soul and were a great friend to both of us. You taught us about patience and perseverance. You showed us how to slow down and look around, and that a pat on the back or a hike in the woods can bring the greatest joy in this world. We both love you very much. We miss you, and we’ll remember you forever, Jasper.

October 3, 2010

Jasper passed away peacefully at home tonight surrounded by family. Veronika and I are completely heartbroken. Thank you to everyone who’s followed J’s story for all the support. We’ll write more in a couple days…

The end?

Short post today. I feel the end might be getting close now. We’ve switched J to a new, stronger pain med, but he’s hardly getting up any more. He’s had a little to drink and took a few bites of food, but no more. He did just sit up to look at me, though, so I think I’ll go make him some scrambled eggs and see what happens. Feeling really torn today between carrying on in the hope of a few more good days and releasing him from this struggle. Strange to think that he came home with us on a sunny October day almost nine years ago and he may be leaving on the same kind of beautiful fall day. Wow, time moves fast. More in the days ahead…

All in the Family

While going through an old photo album tonight, I was struck by something I hadn’t really thought about before:

Dogs have been a constant throughout my life.

One of the first photos I came across shows my grandfather, his dog Caesar and me somewhere on Long Island in the early 1970’s.

Photo: Grandpa, Caesar and Todd on a fall day in the early 70’s

My grandfather seldom showed emotion when I was around, but looking at the way he’s clutching Caesar I can feel the love. I was also reminded of something he said that will always stick with me.

Upon first meeting Jasper he commented, “Pets are really wonderful, but it’s so sad when they die.” I’ll never forget seeing the emotion in his eyes when he said the words “so sad.” I didn’t fully understand then what he meant, but I sure do now.

Trapper – the dog that made a cross-country journey with our family from New York to South Dakota – appears in the next phase of my life. I remember playing with Trapper as a child, but I don’t know for sure what happened to him. He was such a beautiful dog, though.

Photo: Trapper and I in the mid-70’s

My mom always loved animals as much as anything in this world. I think that’s why I’m really missing her now because if she was here she’d truly understand how I’m feeling.

For a while my mom bred Cocker Spaniels, so we always had a lot of doggy action around the house. Her favorite – and ours, too – was a sweet little blonde named Buttercup. In the end, Buttercup died a tragic death, but I won’t go into that here.

Photo: My mom and Pepper in the Black Hills (1985)

Shifting gears, more bad news tonight. I discovered a third tumor on Jasper.

This whole ordeal is really starting to take a toll. Sleeping and eating are becoming more difficult. When I’m at work my mind just isn’t there. And I’ve started breaking down at random times, like on the drive back to the office after lunch today.

I know I’m supposed to be enjoying the brief time we have left, but I keep getting caught thinking of the moment we’ll have to say good-bye. It’s all pretty overwhelming.

To end on a positive note, V and I have decided to take Friday off and go on a stay-cation with the dogs this weekend. We have some fun outings planned during the days and then we’ll be crashing back here each night. I hope Jasper’s up for another fun weekend. I know I could use the break.

Good night.

And Now Acceptance…

I wrote a blog post back in June that asked, “How long does hope last?”

I now know the answer. Hope lasts until reality kicks its ass.

Another visit to the vet today, and guess what? Yup, more bad news. Lucky us. OK, already, I get it. Can we please catch a break now?!

Jasper has developed another cancerous lump near the top of his head. I asked the doctor about surgery since it’s so small right now, but he said that would cause more pain than it’s worth at this point in time. Reading between the lines, I think he was trying to tell me that the cancer on his side will take him away from us soon, so we shouldn’t worry about this new growth.

This is the point where hope – all bloody and bruised – doesn’t get up to fight reality anymore.

Ahh… it’s not my best day so I’m heading to bed.

Last Night I Dreamt of Snow

In my dream I woke up in the still of the night and walked to the back window. I looked outside and saw snowflakes falling in the glow of the streetlights. As I stood there motionless, I realized there were a pair of eyes looking back at me.

Jasper.

He was standing in the back of the yard under his favorite pine tree with a look on his face that said, “So, are you going to come outside and play with me or what?”

You see, after water, Jasper’s second favorite thing is snow. He just loves everything about it – digging in the drifts, chasing snowballs, chewing on icicles. One of his favorite games is when I throw a snowball high in the air and he tries to jump up and grab it before it hits the ground. He could do this for hours.

Photo: Jasper loving the snow and ready to play.

It’s funny to be dreaming about snow in the middle of summer, though. Maybe it’s this past week of scorching temperatures. Or perhaps it’s wondering if J and I will ever play in the snow again?

I’m not going to mince words. This past week really sucked.

Jasper’s condition got progressively worse as the week wore on. He was in obvious pain when he walked around the house and was starting to withdraw from food. Then the vet told us on Thursday that the tumor had increased in size again. Like I said, it was a pretty crappy week.

At one point Veronika and I actually had “the conversation.” How will we know when it’s time to let him go?

Trust me, it’s one of the worst conversations – and decisions – imaginable. I’m thoroughly dreading the day when that decision will come.

Veronika said we’ll know when we take him to the river – his favorite place – and he’s no longer interested. Then it will be time.

If that’s the measure, then as Veronika said, “He’s not done yet.” On Friday night and Sunday afternoon, we took him to the river and both times he couldn’t wait to get in the water.

I should be thankful, right? Yet, I find myself thinking of all the things we’ll never do again.

He’ll never chase a tennis ball that I launch 50 yards with the “super ball tosser.” He’ll never race up and down the stairs on my dad’s boat. And he might never dig a hole so big he can bury his head in the backyard drifts after a massive snowfall.

I have to adjust my perspective on his life now, and that’s difficult. I have to realize that he’ll have a good 30 to 60 minutes of walking or swimming followed by nearly 10 hours of sleeping. This is the “new normal.”

You know, sometimes it feels strange sharing all this personal information with the world. I have one more thing to admit, though. I’m scared. We’re on to one of the last treatment options possible. If this doesn’t work, then all we can do is wait. And the waiting and not knowing is the hardest part.

I’m reminded once again of a Buddhist lesson that goes something like – there is no past and there is no future, there is only now.

I’m also reminded of a U2 song where Bono sings, “The end is not as far as the start.”

We may not play in a snowy backyard again, but for now we might just have a few more sunny days at the beach. I’ll do my best to live in those moments… and try not to think of what’s to come.

South Dakota Road Trip!

Hi. Veronika, Jasper, Zooey (our other Vizsla) and I are off for a week of hiking, swimming and relaxing in the Black Hills of South Dakota! Should be a great time and a chance to build some more lasting memories with J.

I’ll share plenty of stories and photos when we return in a week!

Off to the back country. 🙂

P.S. Update on an earlier post – met with a veterinary dietician (who knew there was such a thing) at the University of Minnesota today. She was extremely helpful, so now we have a new diet for Jasper that will hopefully help him put on a few pounds. Hooray.

P.P.S. Veronika just reported that J jumped on the bed without any trouble just now. Hooray, hooray!

The Long Good-bye?

I had planned on writing another funny entry, but I guess I’m just not feeling it tonight. Sorry about that.

On a positive note, though, we were able to take Jasper for a long walk nearly every night this week. I love those times because when we’re out there in the woods or hiking along the river on a beautiful summer night with the sun setting in the distance, he’s just like the old J – pulling all the way, marking the trail every 50 feet and looking for opportunities to jump in the water (and pull me in)!

The rest of the time has been different, though. I’ve noticed that he’s sleeping a lot more lately. He’s also starting to limp a little when he walks and he’s jumping on the bed less and less. Perhaps most worrisome, though, is the weight loss.

Seems like no matter how much we feed him, he continues to lose weight. I’m guessing it’s because of the cancer, but we don’t know for sure. All I do know is that in order to take the next set of pills, he needs to gain weight. So, we keep trying to coax him to eat, and I keep thinking, “Please let him gain weight.”

My sister called this week to see if she and her two boys (ages 3 and 6) could stop by to see Jasper. I was really happy when they made it over, but for some reason in my mind I kept asking, “Is this the beginning of the long good-bye?”

My sister seemed especially keen on getting some photos of J and the boys. I kept thinking of how those last few photos of our mom and the boys mean so much to us now and wondering if this was the same thing happening all over again. Taking photos as a way of freezing time when otherwise we’re powerless to do so.

Photo: Jasper with my sister and Joaquin

The visit was wonderful, though, and J seemed to really perk up. Cuddle and play time is good!

We were all sitting around chatting when my six-year old nephew said something that nearly broke my heart.

He asked me, “Can we still go to the dog park – maybe with Zooey – when Jasper dies?”

In that moment it took all of my strength to hold back the tears as I replied, “Sure, you and I can still go to the park anytime you like.”

P.S. Another great nature walk with Jasper and our nephew tonight. For a while over the past year it seemed like Sebastian might be afraid of J, but now he’s been asking to see him more often. Even though he’s only six, I think he has a pretty good sense of what’s going on.

Also, on another positive note, we found a low-protein, canned dog food that J loves, which means two straight days of eating all his food! Now if he would just start to put on some more weight…